Are You Communicating or Just Talking? – Part 3
When Hurt, Say “No” to Blame and Accusation
When feeling hurt in a relationship, it can be so easy to resort to blaming and accusing the other person as a way of trying to force the listener to empathize with our pain. Unfortunately, what we accomplish with this is the exact opposite. By blaming and accusing, we have taken an offensive and attacking stance which will more than likely put the listener in either a defensive stance (which will only cause more arguing and less listening), or a defeated stance where they comply out of passiveness and not wanting to “ruffle feathers.” Both of these outcomes don’t help with our original goal of wanting to feel understood and empathized with. I know it can be difficult when we’ve been hurt, but we must not resort to blaming and accusing. By doing this, we not only hurt and abuse the listener, but we also ruin our own chances to get what we really need – to feel understood.
If anger or frustration are the emotions driving your communication, there’s a good chance it will come out in the form of blame or accusation. If this is the case, take some time to calm down and remind yourself that what you are truly wanting is to feel is understood, and that blaming and accusing is actually taking you farther away from the very thing you want. As you begin to communicate without blame and accusation, attempt to incorporate a more clear and vulnerable form of communication.
Communicating well isn’t a guarantee that we will get the response we are looking for from the other person, but it does create what we are ultimately looking for – a solid foundation for intimacy and connection in our relationships.
(Click here to read Part 1 of Are You Communicating or Just Talking?)
by Brendon Byrne