Video Q&A: Is Anal Sex Okay In Marriage?
Barry and Lori Byrne tackle the question of whether or not anal sex is okay in marriage, specifically from a Christian perspective.
BARRY: Alright. Well, today we have another question from a married woman, and it’s an interesting and an important question.
LORI: And one that’s asked quite a bit.
BARRY: Yeah, we hear this off and on, and apparently we haven’t addressed it that clearly in our LAM materials, but we have do have some clear opinions about it. And the issue is anal sex in marriage, in a heterosexual marriage. And this woman writes – I’m not exactly sure, she says, “Over the years I have mostly known women that have been pressured by their husbands to do it or try it – ” that is, anal sex, and I think what you’re saying is that it’s mostly been women that you’ve heard. I don’t know if you would think – if you’re saying most women have been pressured; I don’t know. I haven’t heard that; of course, I don’t talk to women. You haven’t – we’ve heard it in our workshops, but it’s not like most people are saying, “Oh, my husband – oh, he wants anal sex.” I don’t know if that’s true or not.
LORI: Yeah. I wouldn’t say that’s true.
BARRY: Most of the women say they don’t want to try it, but they’ll give in to the pressure. And this woman says she will not, which is good.
LORI: I think it is a significant pressure out there, and it’s very good that you’re asking this question. And we want to address this.
BARRY: And you reference in our LAM workshop we say – from one of the dreams we feel like God gives a lot of freedom and creativity in the marriage bed, and you’re wondering if we feel like this is one of the ways that that can be acted out through anal sex. And the short answer is no, we don’t at all. And I have answered that many times; I guess we didn’t on the video. And so, another interesting comment – and I think this is probably really true; we’ll talk about it some more – is that this woman’s opinion is it usually seems to have its veins in pornography as well as it is popular in porn, I’ve been told. So again, we don’t look at pornography and never have, and so that may be true.
LORI: Well, we know that’s true from what other people have told us, too.
BARRY: Okay. Alright.
LORI: And you can see it in movies, and I mean it’s all around, that that is acceptable. Of course, everything deviant is acceptable.
BARRY: Yeah. And we make the comment, something to the effect in our videos that if two people mutually agree upon it, and it is – and you know, I think in our three and a half day videos, we were shorter and more brief and didn’t expand on things so much, so you may have watched that. But if a couple is agreeing upon something, the underlying assumption is that it is moral, that it is holy, and it is honoring to sexuality and honoring to God and honoring to your spouse. Then God gives people creativity and flexibility in terms of what they do. And so anyway, so we want to address some of these things. And we’ve already said that yeah, I do not see any place for anal sex in – actually at all. It is –
LORI: Our bodies weren’t created for that.
BARRY: Right. And there are –
LORI: The membrane in the anus was not created for that.
BARRY: Right. And as you mentioned here, there are health issues connected with that. And it’s just – I mean, it’s not a clean thing. I don’t believe it’s God’s intention at all. In terms of biblically, as far as I know it isn’t addressed directly. It may be in places – I know in Leviticus 18:22 it says that, “You shall not lie with a man as a male lies with a woman,” and that “lie” means laying down and having sex with them. And so, I would assume that that primarily means anal sex, what men do; again, this is not my area of specialty of homosexuality and what is done. I think there’s a lot of different things they do or orally please each other. But anal sex I believe is also very common among male homosexuals. And here it says, “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination.” It is hateful to God. But that includes homosexuality –
LORI: As well.
BARRY: Yeah, as well. So, there’s that issue. And I know the whole issue of sodomy I think describes a lot larger range of sex with animals, different things that God does not want. And so, we don’t in any way recommend or believe it’s good to have anal sex even in a heterosexual marriage. I was going to say also, we do also agree that probably many times it has its roots in pornography. And in general, just stories we’ve heard over the years, even things leading to homosexuality, that the people I know – a number of people have said – end up doing counseling with them, ministering to them, that –
LORI: People that have lived in our home.
BARRY: Right. That one of the things that led to things like this is starting things – starting sex primarily in the flesh, which means, “I’m doing whatever my flesh wants to do rather than making it an act of love, an act of commitment, holy before God inside of marriage.” And so what happens is the flesh isn’t satisfied. The flesh always wants more, and so it leads to more. It leads to homosexual acts; it leads to things like this. “Well, let’s try this. Let’s try –
BARRY: “ – pornography. Let’s look at pornography to get ourselves excited.” And what it is, is it’s feeding the flesh rather than the spirit. And the flesh won’t be satisfied; it will look for more and more and more. Whereas if you really are connected in the spirit, you can have sex and be satisfied because you’re connected to the person soul to soul, spirit to spirit as well as the physical connection.
LORI: And I think the lie that comes to anybody that’s asking, and in this case husbands, is that sex is going to be boring, and sex is not going to be enjoyable unless we’re doing more, like you said. And you know what? In our workshops, that is God’s specialty. Couples are saying, “We are having the most beautiful, passionate, outrageously connected, enjoyable, powerful sex.” And you know, Christians should be having the best sex in the world.
LORI: And when we follow God’s ways, we are seeing this happen over and over and over in our workshops – hundreds, maybe thousands of couples are being able to have sex God’s way and feel so satisfied and enjoy it so much and be able to be creative. And it’s just an incredible, amazing, wonderful thing.
BARRY: It is. It’s surprising us how much God is touching people in the area of their sexuality, married couples. I believe one of the main reasons for that is because we work to do this, and God helps them to really get rid of shame connected with sex and even, as we talk about, inviting Holy Spirit into their sexual relationship in a marriage. And you know, again, I can’t imagine inviting Holy Spirit into anal sex. It just feels to me like it’s much more of a fleshly driven thing, you know, not a spirit driven thing at all.
LORI: Yeah. I want to tell you a quick story just to end. There was a young gal; they were just newly married that we knew. And she called me up one morning – six o’clock in the morning, and was just bawling on the phone. And long story short, her husband had been pressuring her in their sexual relationship to just do some kind of kinky, sort of dirty things to get him more aroused. And you know, as Barry said, if you’re opening yourself up to that, you’re going to need more of the dirt – you’re going to need more of the kinky. And so –
BARRY: And again, to me the important thing is it’s trying to – it’s fleshly driven rather than spirit driven in those situations.
LORI: Yeah, yeah. So, she’s telling me all this, and I said, “Well, what is he saying?” You know, and this wasn’t necessarily anal sex, but I think it’s all the same thing. And she says, “Well, he’s wanting me to make up these little scenarios, like another woman is in the room, and we’re doing stuff to each other. And he’s getting all excited talking about this other person.” And you know, she felt really uncomfortable, and finally she just said, “I can’t. I don’t want to do this.” And, you know, he was getting ready to, you know – and so, she stopped right at that point. And he was so angry, and he said a bunch of things to her and left the room and –
BARRY: Went off to work.
LORI: Went off to – well, went to bed. I don’t know if he slept somewhere else. But the next morning, they had not talked, and so he was very angry and left. And so, she’s calling me; you know, she’s probably not slept most of the night. And so, I said, “You know what? That sounds like he is getting some input from something that is not pure.” And you know, she didn’t know if he was – I can’t remember if she knew if he was into pornography, but I said, “That’s all over. You know, that’s all over. That’s what the enemy is bringing to sex to try to spice it up. And just the fact that he was trying to get you to do that, that you guys –” We always need to work on giving more in a Godly way, being creative, you know? And come to one of our workshops to find this out. But, seriously. So, I told her; I said, “You know, I think he’s opened himself up to something that is, you know, along the lines of sexual perversion, you know? There’s probably some pornography and some stuff that he’s been involved in.”
And so, as we said that – I can’t remember; this happened such a long time ago. But we got to the point where I said, “I want you to try something. Because if that is true, he has brought that sexual spirit into your home, into your bedroom, into your bed, into your sex act.” And I said, “You have authority as a wife, as part of this one flesh union, to take authority over that sexual spirit.” And I said, “Get whatever oil is in your house. Go around and anoint every door and every window; anoint your bed and anything that the Holy Spirit tells you to anoint, and claim this back for purity and God’s holiness. And call this as a sanctuary where Holy Spirit is there with you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” I told her to pray that. And so, she went around, and she did this.
And there’s a lot more to this story, but the bottom line is, she calls me back later on that afternoon, and she had done that. And as she was doing it, she was feeling so much peace. She was feeling the power of God coming into their home. Later on that afternoon, her husband calls her up, and he is sobbing on the phone. And he’s confessing, you know, that that was so wrong. I don’t know if he confessed pornography, but he said, “That was so wrong. I should have never put you through that.” But he could feel what it was doing to her. So he repented; he asked her forgiveness, and that was the end of it. That sexual spirit did not have a chance to continue doing what it was going to try to do. And see, he really loved the Lord, so God’s Spirit in him was stronger than what the enemy was trying to do. And as she prayed, she released heaven on behalf of this whole situation, and God won.
LORI: So, I want to just release that testimony over you and anybody else that’s listening that is just feeling like something isn’t right. And see, she didn’t even have to address that; the Holy Spirit did it because she took authority in the spirit realm and took back her house.
BARRY: Right. So, one of the things – the lady that wrote this in asked what she can do to help – what she can do to help her friends, and are there any Bible verses? Well what Lori said would be a good first step – what they can do also, the same thing she asked this lady to do. Another thing, though, is – I really appreciate this; the writer, she said she just says no, she won’t do it. And she feels strongly about that. I think the other thing you can do –
LORI: And women, that’s good for you to do that. That’s right for you to do that.
BARRY: Absolutely. And that’s what I was going to say. You can encourage your friends to trust the Holy Spirit in them and the sense of morality and not compromise that, not compromise their own conscience, and be able to say – you know, kindly to their husbands, say, “You know, I’m sorry, but I just do not feel good before God to do this.” And be able to set a limit there in something like this. And so, that would be a good step to take.
LORI: And then when he leaves, anoint the house with oil. Seriously, I would recommend trying something like this. If you have an open relationship, and you can talk about this, that’s even better for you to be able to do that. But if you feel like you can’t, and he’s not open, you can also go the other route.
BARRY: Okay. So, we bless you in Jesus’ name to work out these issues. Where there are issues in your marriages, in your sexual relationship, we bless you to come to a place of oneness, of purity and holiness before the Lord.
BARRY: We bless you in Jesus’ name. Amen.