Video Teaching: When The Poop Hits The Fan
Barry and Lori Byrne share a tool called “When The Poop Hits The Fan” that can be used in relationship in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.
Video Transcript
LORI: Hi, you guys. We’re kind of in a funny mood here today. We are going to teach you a tool called When The Poop Hits The Fan. And I guess you can imagine what that is because we have times in our lives when we are so mad – and I’m basically talking about in a marriage relationship. This can even apply to boyfriends and girlfriends and parents and kids, but right now we’re going to be talking about in marriage. And when you are so mad that you don’t want to touch, you don’t want to be together, and maybe you’re used to just taking off and running or saying something that you shouldn’t say. This is when you use this tool.
BARRY: Yeah. You use it when you least likely want to use it – when you’re so mad you don’t want to say anything. You know, sometimes when we’re so mad, so upset – not us.
LORI: Not us.
BARRY: But just – no, I’m just kidding. When we get in that spot, sometimes we don’t even know what to do. And maybe our spouse is really angry, or we both are. And sometimes the only thing you know is you know what not to do. You know, “I know it’s going to be destructive if I say what I’m thinking, or if I yell like I’m thinking of, or if I say the names I’m thinking in my head.”
LORI: Yes.
BARRY: And you have to just hold back. There’s actually a lot of self-control.
LORI: Yes.
BARRY: This is a little diversion, but –
LORI: Wait, wait, wait. Can you remember your diversion?
BARRY: Uh-huh.
LORI: Because I want to say one thing about that. This will be effective – see, we’re doing this from the tool booklet, and it’s on our tool app, too, you can get. But this is going to be effective if you guys both make a decision to agree to use this structure when you are madder than you know what. Okay? So, if you can do that, you can blame everything on the book. You can say, “Okay, let’s go do this.” And, you know, you don’t want to do it. But if you guys can make a pact, an agreement, before you get to that mad place and just say, “Alright, we’re both in agreement. We’re going to use this tool when we are madder than you know what.”
BARRY: Anything. Yeah. So, I was just thinking recently; I was looking at a passage of Scripture in Matthew 5:21 through, I think it’s 28. Jesus is talking about anger in that passage, and it’s really – it’s kind of shocking, actually, where He says, you know, “You were told in the commandments, the old law, you were told, ‘You shall not kill.’” And then He talks about people who get angry and the people that call each other names like fool, or actually call them – I think the first one is, “You good-for-nothing,” something like that, then the last is, “You fool.” And it actually doesn’t sound that bad. But He said the person is guilty enough to be sent to hell. And then He goes on and says, “So, if your brother has something against you that you’ve done to them, go and make sure you take care of that before you go to God, before you go to the altar to offer your sacrifices.” And so, I guess just saying that, I don’t really understand what all that means, but I know that it’s something very serious to God, our anger and the words that can destroy people, that can destroy relationships, when we just let fly out of our mouth what we feel like saying when we’re in anger. So anyway, this tool is, as Lori said, is particularly for those times when you’re so mad that if you talk before taking care of some things, it’s not going to be good at all. So the first thing we do –
LORI: Wait, wait, wait. I’ve got to tell you one more thing. When we first started teaching this, people were using it everywhere. And we were at the lake one day; it was summer, and we went to the lake. And there was a couple from our church, and they were standing back-to-back in the parking lot. And that’s how you start; you start back-to-back, because you’re so mad you don’t even want to stand next to each other, and you can’t look at each other. So, you start back-to-back. And they were sitting there doing that at the lake. We were really cracking up.
BARRY: They were doing the tool, yeah. So, the first thing you do – you’re so mad, but you choose not to leave. You know, when you want to, everything inside of you wants to just be quiet and pull away or yell or whatever, do not leave. And if you need some time to cool down –
LORI: So that you don’t say something really bad.
BARRY: If you know you’re really at a place where you just believe you cannot go on without a little bit of time to cool down, then tell the person, “I need fifteen minutes,” or a half hour or whatever, but make sure you come back. Don’t just use it as an escape to ignore it and leave it alone.
LORI: And even let them know when you’re coming back.
BARRY: Right.
LORI: “I’ll be back in five hours.” No.
BARRY: I mean, it could be that, but hopefully not that long. But if it has to be that long, you say, “Hey, we’ll do this, you know, tonight after dinner or whenever. I promise.” But you make sure you follow through and come back. Okay?
LORI: Alright. Then the second step is like I said, you stand next to each other. You’re not touching, and you’re standing back to back, so you’re each facing a different direction. And you begin just – you’re inviting the Wonderful Counselor into this whole process here that you’re going through. And it says that you can pray in tongues if you speak in tongues; if you have a prayer language, pray in tongues. That edifies and strengthens your spirit. Or you can bless your spirit; we don’t have that written here, but that’s another thing you can do. You can just say, “I bless my spirit to connect to Holy Spirit, and I bless – ” You know, you can sit there and just speak to your spirit man. Or if you just want to pray, “Jesus. Jesus. Jesus, help us,” that works really well, too. Or you just want to pray in English, just your own language, you can do that, too. But the purpose of this is to begin to shift the atmosphere, because there’s stuff around you that is working to keep you separated and angry and rageful and all of that. So, praying this way helps shift the atmosphere. And once you feel it shifting a little bit, then you go on to the next step.
BARRY: Yeah. So then you start getting specific about nailing things to the cross – the lies that the enemy is bringing to you about yourself, about your spouse,
LORI: Step number three.
BARRY: spiritual things like anger, frustration, accusation that you may be thinking – things like you’re just so, so angry – and then words like, you know, “It’s all her fault,” or, “It’s all his fault,” or, “If she wouldn’t do this,” “If he wouldn’t do this” –
LORI: “You always do this to me.”
BARRY: Yeah, yeah. And just start nailing those things to the cross, the lies that the enemy’s bringing in to try to bring separation. God made you one. He is not going to be the one dividing you. And so, you just start as specifically as you can. “I nail to the cross the spirit of anger right now that wants me to blame my wife and just say it’s all her fault and say she started this and she always does these things,” and on and on. And just nail all those things to the cross, all those lies that are affecting you.
LORI: And you’re actually doing the 1-2-3 Skidoo.
BARRY: Right. Exactly. And don’t nail your spouse to the cross. I know it probably –
LORI: You may want to.
BARRY: It’d be tempting, but that’s not the idea. It’s all the spiritual stuff that’s coming at us to divide us. Okay.
LORI: Okay. Then the next step is, once you’ve gotten to the place where you feel like you’ve done what the Lord wants you to do, and you’ve nailed what you’ve needed to nail, breaking agreements with it, repenting of joining with it and asking the Father to send it away – and that’s the 1-2-3 Skidoo I just told you. But then you can turn around, and you can face each other. And if you’re married, or you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, you can then take hands, which is a nice step, too; you know, before you didn’t want to even touch each other, didn’t want to look at each other, but now you’re looking at each other face-to-face, and you’re holding hands. And, it says, discuss the issues respectfully, not joining with the accusation and the anger or whatever was there before.
BARRY: Yeah. And again, you know, as we understand this, when we get rid of the things that are in our hearts and actually replace them with what God says about the anger, or the frustration, the blaming and all the accusation, then Jesus said what comes out of our mouth is from the things that fill our heart. So if we get rid of those things in our heart, then our talk will be very different. So as Lori says, you begin talking, and if the discussion is good, then you can keep going and just keep talking through that. If you’re in a good place,
LORI: You can finish your discussion.
BARRY: yeah, you can talk respectfully, then you keep going. But if not, if you realize, “Ah, something flared up again,” then you can start by – just start declaring the truth of what the Lord said or showed you about your spouse –
LORI: That’s the last part of the 1-2-3 Skidoo, the last step. Declaring the truth.
BARRY: Exactly. Yeah, “Lord, what do You want to say to me about my spouse instead of these lies I’ve been believing?” And if the lies start coming back, you know, start speaking the truth that the Lord gave you about your spouse. And if that doesn’t work, you may need to go back and nail some things to cross again and then turn around and start over.
LORI: Or some different things that you didn’t think of.
BARRY: Right. And just until you get your heart clear and clean so you can talk in a respectful way.
LORI: And a good thing to do is, if you’re not clear at that point, even just saying out loud, “Holy Spirit, what else do we need to do?” Because He’s right here helping you. And the last thing is, if there’s been some things that you’ve done that have hurt your spouse during this time, then we also have our reconciliation tool. And that just basically says, “This is what I did that hurt you. And this is how it hurt you, and this is how it made you feel. And this is how it makes me feel; you know, I feel so bad that I’ve done this to you. And it’s my desire to not put you through this again. And will you forgive me?” So, it’s actually reconciliation that reconnects your heart and just reestablishes your connection.
BARRY: We realize going through this that the tool booklet and the app actually say, if your spouse needs or the other person needs to ask forgiveness, you do so. And you can try that. And it maybe something where you just say, “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me for that?” And that may be enough. But if it’s not, then you may need to go through the Steps To Reconciliation to deal with it in a more thorough way. So, we just hear testimonies of people often telling us, “I have to do the 1-2-3 Skidoo,” because they’ve gotten in a pattern of being pretty heated and escalated.
LORI: “I have to do When The Poop Hits The Fan.”
BARRY: Oh yeah, that’s right.
LORI: Which includes the 1-2-3 Skidoo and all the other tools that we have there.
BARRY: That’s what I was thinking of, but I said 1-2-3 Skidoo.
LORI: I know, Barry B. I’m married to you. I sleep with you. I know you.
BARRY: So, When The Poop Hits The Fan. And it’s really great because you can stop a pattern, a really destructive pattern of using your words in very hurtful ways and ways that push each other further away rather than joining together.
LORI: And I just want to say this, that when you begin to use When The Poop Hits The Fan, it draws heaven to come and be a part of you. Holy Spirit is right there with you. God is there helping you be able to overcome, because it’s more than you that is doing this. It’s never just you; the enemy is right there. And the Lord really loves that you’re doing this, taking this step.
BARRY: Yeah. So Father, we thank You that You have given us the ability, You’ve given us Your Spirit to overcome things like anger, rage, hatred even that can come out of our mouth against people that we actually love, and prevent us from destroying relationships, and enable us to take even hurt and turn it around and use it to draw us closer together and bring understanding. And so, Lord, I pray for grace for anybody that is listening, that can benefit from this tool. I pray that they would use it, and let it help them in their relationships, and prevent many disasters. And ask this in Jesus’ name.
LORI: Amen.
BARRY: Amen.